ZOMFG STAR TREK!!!11!

Yes, I’m being silly. But DAYUM! That movie just blew my socks right off my feet and into the asshole of the poor sap in the row in front of me. Full review to come this weekend, but for now, let me just say that if you are even slightly a fan of Trek or science fiction in general, get ready to be defenestrated from the tower of awesomeness. JJ Abrams proves once again that he is made of win.

It’s Movie May!!!!

ES MAYO DE LAS PELICULAS, PUTAS!!!!!!!

     In honor of the beginning of the blockbuster season, I am celebrating the merry month of May by watching and discussing a slew of summer blockbusters, both current and from years previous. We’ve already kicked it off with that fucking abortion Wolverine, and Star Trek is less than 24 hours away! Between the big-time releases this month, I’ll be revisiting old classics with my lovely wife, and hopefully grabbing some opinions other than my own to spew onto the interwebz. I always really love to get her take on the films that I subject her to, and she’s probably got more in the Snark Department than I ever hoped for, so it’s win-win, really. I haven’t decided what’s first, but it’ll be up shortly after my Star Trek review, so I at least know that much. There’s a weekend fast approaching, so signs are pointing to Escape From New York and a review within the next week. 

 

WOOHOO!!! IT’S MOVIE MAY!!!!!

X-Men Bore-igins: Shit-latrine

 

If you decide to see Wolverine, get ready for a lot more sky-yelling.

     You know, nothing’s worse than having to really tear someone down that you respect and genuinely like. Actually, I mean, I guess there’s probably plenty of things that are worse. I’m pretty sure losing a loved one is probably worse. Rape is pretty terrible. Swine flu? No picnic. But I digress. It sucks to have to be so negative (and snarky) when you’re really just disappointed with the efforts of someone who you typically think is pretty tits. Now imagine that you’re in a room full of people who you genuinely like, and expect a lot from, and when it comes time to impress your other friends with their charming conversation skills, none of them can manage more than a “Rectum… DAMN NEAR KILLED ‘EM” joke, or calling someone a retard and hitting their chest with their hand. I mean, it’s enough to make you want to shed a tear, scrunch your face up, and yell at the sky in frustration. Well, that’s how I felt after watching this new Wolverine movie, and I wasn’t the only one. But on the bright side, if this is also your reaction, be secure in the knowledge that in this you will not be alone… Because Hugh Jackman can scream at enough sky for all of us. Apparently, it’s his mutant power.

Watching the Sadness of Self-Destruction… David Hayter on How AWESOME he and Watchmen are.

No pictures, no images, no funny captions or hyperbolic nerdgasms. Just a little bit of disappointment for a weird turn of events that I think might actually be a little damaging overall to whatever those involved were actually hoping for. So as many of you may already know, David Hayter (one of the writers on Watchmen) recently made a little statement about the reaction so far on said film, which I find a little premature and possibly damaging… You know, scratch that. I’m not really going to parse words here. This was a stupid and actually kind of childish jump-to-conclusions response to a middling level of controversy that was handled with all of the tact of a rampaging 11 year old jerk. You heard it here first, folks: David Hayter is a fucking douchebag. Wow, it’s kind of funny that when I decided to jump in and post this entry, I meant to be a lot more understanding and kind of analytical about it, but there really is no excuse for this amount of arrogant grandstanding. Especially by one of the people who should kind of be relishing the sheer amount of uproar his work has created in the geek world as a whole. Look, I’m not saying that a public statement for the purpose of addressing the differing opinions and urging a second look was a bad idea at all. There were probably about eleventy different classy ways to attempt such an idea, however, and David Hayter told those approaches to shut the fuck up. At every level I really hope that this cat simply took the initiative to be a jerk on his own, without any corporate urging for marketing purposes. Because if Warner Brother’s had even a little bit of sign-off on this little tirade, and decided to just let it roll, I’ve just lowered my estimation of that company to nearly what I think about Fox Studios.

As I said, I really don’t oppose the idea of addressing the controversial difference of opinion outright in an effort to generate more buzz at all. In fact, I can think of half a dozen ways in which an action such as this could actually have been quite a coup. But by essentially telling people that they should be grateful for the opportunity to see a violent, odd film that apparently doesn’t “puss out”, and that they are assholes for bitching about it… and then to tell them that you “get it” if they just don’t like it, but that they don’t have a reason to call the film out… What the fuck was this guy thinking? Dude, just tell the people that whatever their opinion, the movie is causing a stir and it needs to be caught on the big screen. Tell the people that the only way to have an adequate leg to stand on is to judge it for themselves, and that anything being talked about this much clearly deserves to be judged objectively. But don’t you fucking dare tell people that they don’t have a right to their opinion just because people put a lot of work into something. And definitely DOUBLE don’t you dare act like a manipulative kid who wants a toy by BLAMING the fans for a possible lack of nerd-film in the future, all dependent upon whether they get the stick you seem to think they have in their ass, immediately out. You can’t just threaten people into changing their tune on something you created by setting up the logical fallacy that it’s so good, they’re just not getting it. But they damn sure better if they ever want to watch anything they like again. That is purely calculating, manipulative HORSE SHIT. And David Hayter (and anyone who signed off on this statement) should be fucking ashamed of themselves. Have a little integrity, for christ’s sake. This is some pretty low-down dirty pool, even for people in the movie industry. Let the work stand on it’s own if you respect it so much. This little rant just sounds like desperation, and strengthens your case not one iota. If anything, this simply gives lots of credence to those who do their level best to tear the film down no matter what, and alienates people who might otherwise have been on the fence because the first association they have with the film will forevermore be some douche with a goatee threatening their film-viewing future with a bullshit argument. Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I don’t really have fond memories of things I was threatened into. People don’t need to be hit with a stick right off the bat (hur hur hur). Especially when they aren’t even yet aware that there is a carrot out there for them, or that there was even something they were doing which would necessitate guidance by either method. Way to poison the well, asshole. And this is coming from someone who spent a lot of time trying to find a way to tell people that, yes, they need to experience it for themselves. Maybe more than once to grasp the whole of the heady mixture that has been thrown together.

In closing: Does anyone remember when a little film called HULK (2003) came out, to a similarly mixed level of reviews? Yeah. At least then the people involved embraced the controversy. Take a fucking page from the book you puppet tool. Have just a little grace and dignity next time, and maybe realize the difference between sticking up for your work, and calling people ungrateful when maybe they’re not as into it as you might like.

Hey, if they’re talking about you, you must be worth talking about. Better luck next time, dickhead.

 

 

 

More Scary, Eleventy-Foot Tall Mayhem Headed Our Way. I’m Already Quite TAKEN (2!)

 

Taken OUT, BEEAHH!

Uh, yes please. And thank you. I don’t know where it originated from, uh, originally, but GeekTyrant once again bitchslapped the internet by being the first person I know of to talk about it. And once again, it was DeekGeek who brought it to my attention. I’m not only slipping, but DeekGeek is getting better, because I knew it from her before twitter said anything to me. Regardless how many people are now better than me, the news is good indeed. Taken was a hell of a lean little brutality machine that managed to get by on PG-13 simply by the fact that it didn’t give a damn about titties or cgi blood-splatter, and just went right after what all of us really want, deep down. And that is to see a man who is roughly twice the size of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and who just happens to be one of the more respected actors of this generation, literally carve his way through a crowd. I think there were more kills than minutes in this film, as a matter of fact. There was something refreshing in the way that the character played by Liam Neeson (who you may remember will play Lincoln soon), simply stated a goal (rescuing his daughter no matter what within 86 hours) and then does exactly that, with not a bit of character growth. And the movie makes not one excuse for this. There is no conflict in Neeson’s character, other than how quickly the next motherfucker needs to be strangled, shot, stabbed, or beaten to death on the path to the next guy. Simple? Yes. Entertaining as Hell? If you don’t like Taken you’re wrong. Bet you didn’t know you could be wrong about an opinion, but you are. Deal with it. Or Liam Neeson will kill your ass in less than 90 minutes.

Anyway, as I said GeekTyrant has the scoop on the fact that they are at this moment writing a sequel. GT makes a good point that I can literally think of no reason for a sequel, especially one not involving Liam Neeson. However, the singular only reason Taken was good at all was Neeson. There’s not another piece of the pie that saves or invigorates the original, which is admittedly a mish-mash cliche of about 79.4 billion action flicks before it, save for the fact that… IT’S FUCKING LIAM NEESON REMORSELESSLY KILLING SWATHS OF BASTARDS! And damn he sells it well. I think if it’s just some new story involving Neeson’s character Brian Mills finding himself in some new clusterfuck, possibly involving his old team that we barely get to meet in the first one, it could really be awesome. In fact, I just wrote it. Brian is getting ready to spend some time with his daughter abroad when, all of a sudden, his old mercenary buddy contacts him from the middle of an op-gone-wrong. The team’s cover has been blown and they’re being picked off for capture or death one by one. Only Liam Neeson can kill enough people to stop… well, whoever. That’s the thing here. Do any of us really care as long as it delivers even just as much as the first? I leave it to the masses. BRING THAT SHIT ON.

 

Thanks again to GeekTyrant, who are awesome. I don’t know how many folks they are, but they’re some cool folks. Follow them.

OMFG I Need This to be Real SO BAD.

 

The Dark Knight in 8-bit glory? I think I would literally eat a baby for a shot at playing this on my Korean NES knockoff box. If you can see the words “8-bit” and “The Dark Knight” and not immediately throw a fit like a little girl, I’m not sure how/if you actually found this webpage you’re apparently on. Thanks to the lovely DeekGeek for bringing this to my attention, and our lovely friend Rosie for being WAY ahead and sending it to her in the first place. 

NOW YOU’RE PLAYING WITH POWER.

 PS. No, it’s not real. Until some badass makes a ROM of it. In which case I’m commissioning old 8-bit cartridges to make it real. If you think I wouldn’t be rich, you don’t know shit.

Iron Man 2 News That Both Rules and Sucks at the Same Time

 

ACTING!

 

 

On the tail end of the news that Marvel Studios decided to stop fucking around and wasting everyone’s time by actually offering Samuel L. Jackson a real salary (not a bad idea if you want to rope someone into 9 fucking movies), comes the very recent news that they also decided against trying to screw over a resurgent Mickey Rourke to the tune of $250k, and offer him some respectable scratch as well. Look $250k is a lot of money to you and me, but you don’t fucking toss what amounts to a Hollywood tip to a veteran in the middle of reclaiming all his glory if you hope he’s going to help carry a franchise entry as a big time supervillain. Also, you don’t fuck with Samuel L. Jackson. Period. I have to say that Marvel was on the fast-track to squandering a lot of the goodwill they generated last summer by showing faith in creative teams to handle their properties with guidance and care. In a span of what seems like months they essentially followed up a bunch of deserved hype by doing their level best to undo every step they’d made in the right direction. Lucky for us, I guess someone beat the shit out of Joe Quesada before he could continue to posses the living and influence the studio into more Quesada like blunders. Granted, Quesada probably had nothing at all to do with this, but I think he’s a tool and the studio’s crappy decisions seemed very much in tune with his own terrible ideas for the world of Marvel. So the day is saved for now, and Marvel can get back to making a bad ass set of flicks to wow us with until Iron Man 2 comes around. In less pleasant news, it seems that through no fault of Marvel’s (STRANGE, I KNOW!!!), those rumors about Emily Blunt being replaced with Scarlett Johannson are no longer rumors, but sad reality. Apparently, Blunt was forced to fulfill a previous contract obligation elsewhere, so they had to go with ScarHo, who apparently they originally turned down. If it weren’t for the fact that ScarHo apparently got absolutely shafted in the deal, and that there are so many good pieces of geek stuff floating around like the new Terminator and Star Trek trailers, I think I’d be even sadder about this. Oh well. Back to the grind.

Sam Raimi Will Send Me to Heaven, Before He DRAG(s) ME TO HELL.

 

I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!

 

Sideshow Bob references out of the way, Good God, y’all. I forgot how much I miss Sam Raimi directed horror! I forgot how much I miss Sam Raimi anything other than Spider-Man films in general, for that matter (though I still love those). Though I’m still utterly tired of everyone’s endless bitching about what movies are rated and what that will inevitably mean for movies they haven’t even seen yet, I’m still taken aback that they went and made a PG-13 horror flick with Mr. Raimi at the helm. Taken aback, but nonetheless committed to seeing this frakking movie post-haste. I mean it just looks like the master is on form here, and he’s pulling out all the stops. What I love about Raimi is that no matter what he’s doing, you never have to see more than a few seconds of footage for this guy’s love of movies, and the process of making them, to spread to you like syphilis from a stripper. I just get amped every time I see this trailer. Pure anticipation for what looks to be mainlined fun at the cinema. CHECK IT OUT, YO!!!

The Belated and Unnecessary Watchmen Review Nobody Asked For

 

Uh... I got nothin'

 

Okay, so it’s been nearly a week to the day that I saw Watchmen at the beloved Alamo Drafthouse Enema, and I’m typically late to weigh in. I won’t go into the bugfuckery of litigious paperwork which has kept me away, but rather cleverly disguise my unreliability with some comment on how this film will likely affect all who endeavor to see it. I’ve been thinking about Watchmen a lot since I saw it. I’ve spoken to a lot of people from a pretty big cross-section of society who’ve seen it as well and all of the input kind of brings me back to my initial feelings on it. Without self-editing or over-framing (but with over-hyphenating), I’ll boil it down. It’s an imperfect mess that I think everyone really should see.

Funniest thing I’ve seen all month

I was looking around at The Nerdist when I saw the funniest goddamn thing I’ve seen in ages. If there were any justice in the world, we could pull these two actors back in, de-age them, and have this scene play out exactly like this. Actually, you could probably just get Doc Brown to rerecord some dialogue, do a little Blade Runner with the editing him back in, and just use one of the MANY shots of Marty reacting to stuff. In fact, if I were smart at all, I’d have already done this. I love that this takes one of the most glaring things about a film I love and just tears it a new asshole. Perfect.