Don’t Call It a Comeback.

 It’s true. I’ve vacillated and whined and gotten drunk and forgot, but I will not be defeated. It’s as simple as this: Uwe Boll beat me, man. I watched Postal, thinking I was gonna be interesting and watch a movie that I knew would be terrible, but had actually gotten less than apocalyptic reviews, and it beat my resolve to write about movies (or anything else) into a bloody, weeping pile of flesh and powder. All this was followed by one of the worst movie summers in recent memories, and dude, I could only take so much. Well to hell with that, because I won’t be beaten. Sure, I’ll run away for most of a year, but I will return with a knife and the intent to slide a cowardly attack between my adversary’s shoulder blades. You heard right: I’m going to murder Uwe Boll.

 Ok, before any legal teams descend upon me, I must state for the record that I have no plans of committing murder, and in fact simply plan to write about movies and nerdy things.

 Even though I’m pretty sure someone’d give me a goddamn medal.

It’s Movie May!!!!

ES MAYO DE LAS PELICULAS, PUTAS!!!!!!!

     In honor of the beginning of the blockbuster season, I am celebrating the merry month of May by watching and discussing a slew of summer blockbusters, both current and from years previous. We’ve already kicked it off with that fucking abortion Wolverine, and Star Trek is less than 24 hours away! Between the big-time releases this month, I’ll be revisiting old classics with my lovely wife, and hopefully grabbing some opinions other than my own to spew onto the interwebz. I always really love to get her take on the films that I subject her to, and she’s probably got more in the Snark Department than I ever hoped for, so it’s win-win, really. I haven’t decided what’s first, but it’ll be up shortly after my Star Trek review, so I at least know that much. There’s a weekend fast approaching, so signs are pointing to Escape From New York and a review within the next week. 

 

WOOHOO!!! IT’S MOVIE MAY!!!!!

Watching the Sadness of Self-Destruction… David Hayter on How AWESOME he and Watchmen are.

No pictures, no images, no funny captions or hyperbolic nerdgasms. Just a little bit of disappointment for a weird turn of events that I think might actually be a little damaging overall to whatever those involved were actually hoping for. So as many of you may already know, David Hayter (one of the writers on Watchmen) recently made a little statement about the reaction so far on said film, which I find a little premature and possibly damaging… You know, scratch that. I’m not really going to parse words here. This was a stupid and actually kind of childish jump-to-conclusions response to a middling level of controversy that was handled with all of the tact of a rampaging 11 year old jerk. You heard it here first, folks: David Hayter is a fucking douchebag. Wow, it’s kind of funny that when I decided to jump in and post this entry, I meant to be a lot more understanding and kind of analytical about it, but there really is no excuse for this amount of arrogant grandstanding. Especially by one of the people who should kind of be relishing the sheer amount of uproar his work has created in the geek world as a whole. Look, I’m not saying that a public statement for the purpose of addressing the differing opinions and urging a second look was a bad idea at all. There were probably about eleventy different classy ways to attempt such an idea, however, and David Hayter told those approaches to shut the fuck up. At every level I really hope that this cat simply took the initiative to be a jerk on his own, without any corporate urging for marketing purposes. Because if Warner Brother’s had even a little bit of sign-off on this little tirade, and decided to just let it roll, I’ve just lowered my estimation of that company to nearly what I think about Fox Studios.

As I said, I really don’t oppose the idea of addressing the controversial difference of opinion outright in an effort to generate more buzz at all. In fact, I can think of half a dozen ways in which an action such as this could actually have been quite a coup. But by essentially telling people that they should be grateful for the opportunity to see a violent, odd film that apparently doesn’t “puss out”, and that they are assholes for bitching about it… and then to tell them that you “get it” if they just don’t like it, but that they don’t have a reason to call the film out… What the fuck was this guy thinking? Dude, just tell the people that whatever their opinion, the movie is causing a stir and it needs to be caught on the big screen. Tell the people that the only way to have an adequate leg to stand on is to judge it for themselves, and that anything being talked about this much clearly deserves to be judged objectively. But don’t you fucking dare tell people that they don’t have a right to their opinion just because people put a lot of work into something. And definitely DOUBLE don’t you dare act like a manipulative kid who wants a toy by BLAMING the fans for a possible lack of nerd-film in the future, all dependent upon whether they get the stick you seem to think they have in their ass, immediately out. You can’t just threaten people into changing their tune on something you created by setting up the logical fallacy that it’s so good, they’re just not getting it. But they damn sure better if they ever want to watch anything they like again. That is purely calculating, manipulative HORSE SHIT. And David Hayter (and anyone who signed off on this statement) should be fucking ashamed of themselves. Have a little integrity, for christ’s sake. This is some pretty low-down dirty pool, even for people in the movie industry. Let the work stand on it’s own if you respect it so much. This little rant just sounds like desperation, and strengthens your case not one iota. If anything, this simply gives lots of credence to those who do their level best to tear the film down no matter what, and alienates people who might otherwise have been on the fence because the first association they have with the film will forevermore be some douche with a goatee threatening their film-viewing future with a bullshit argument. Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I don’t really have fond memories of things I was threatened into. People don’t need to be hit with a stick right off the bat (hur hur hur). Especially when they aren’t even yet aware that there is a carrot out there for them, or that there was even something they were doing which would necessitate guidance by either method. Way to poison the well, asshole. And this is coming from someone who spent a lot of time trying to find a way to tell people that, yes, they need to experience it for themselves. Maybe more than once to grasp the whole of the heady mixture that has been thrown together.

In closing: Does anyone remember when a little film called HULK (2003) came out, to a similarly mixed level of reviews? Yeah. At least then the people involved embraced the controversy. Take a fucking page from the book you puppet tool. Have just a little grace and dignity next time, and maybe realize the difference between sticking up for your work, and calling people ungrateful when maybe they’re not as into it as you might like.

Hey, if they’re talking about you, you must be worth talking about. Better luck next time, dickhead.

 

 

 

OMFG I Need This to be Real SO BAD.

 

The Dark Knight in 8-bit glory? I think I would literally eat a baby for a shot at playing this on my Korean NES knockoff box. If you can see the words “8-bit” and “The Dark Knight” and not immediately throw a fit like a little girl, I’m not sure how/if you actually found this webpage you’re apparently on. Thanks to the lovely DeekGeek for bringing this to my attention, and our lovely friend Rosie for being WAY ahead and sending it to her in the first place. 

NOW YOU’RE PLAYING WITH POWER.

 PS. No, it’s not real. Until some badass makes a ROM of it. In which case I’m commissioning old 8-bit cartridges to make it real. If you think I wouldn’t be rich, you don’t know shit.

Iron Man 2 News That Both Rules and Sucks at the Same Time

 

ACTING!

 

 

On the tail end of the news that Marvel Studios decided to stop fucking around and wasting everyone’s time by actually offering Samuel L. Jackson a real salary (not a bad idea if you want to rope someone into 9 fucking movies), comes the very recent news that they also decided against trying to screw over a resurgent Mickey Rourke to the tune of $250k, and offer him some respectable scratch as well. Look $250k is a lot of money to you and me, but you don’t fucking toss what amounts to a Hollywood tip to a veteran in the middle of reclaiming all his glory if you hope he’s going to help carry a franchise entry as a big time supervillain. Also, you don’t fuck with Samuel L. Jackson. Period. I have to say that Marvel was on the fast-track to squandering a lot of the goodwill they generated last summer by showing faith in creative teams to handle their properties with guidance and care. In a span of what seems like months they essentially followed up a bunch of deserved hype by doing their level best to undo every step they’d made in the right direction. Lucky for us, I guess someone beat the shit out of Joe Quesada before he could continue to posses the living and influence the studio into more Quesada like blunders. Granted, Quesada probably had nothing at all to do with this, but I think he’s a tool and the studio’s crappy decisions seemed very much in tune with his own terrible ideas for the world of Marvel. So the day is saved for now, and Marvel can get back to making a bad ass set of flicks to wow us with until Iron Man 2 comes around. In less pleasant news, it seems that through no fault of Marvel’s (STRANGE, I KNOW!!!), those rumors about Emily Blunt being replaced with Scarlett Johannson are no longer rumors, but sad reality. Apparently, Blunt was forced to fulfill a previous contract obligation elsewhere, so they had to go with ScarHo, who apparently they originally turned down. If it weren’t for the fact that ScarHo apparently got absolutely shafted in the deal, and that there are so many good pieces of geek stuff floating around like the new Terminator and Star Trek trailers, I think I’d be even sadder about this. Oh well. Back to the grind.

Sam Raimi Will Send Me to Heaven, Before He DRAG(s) ME TO HELL.

 

I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!

 

Sideshow Bob references out of the way, Good God, y’all. I forgot how much I miss Sam Raimi directed horror! I forgot how much I miss Sam Raimi anything other than Spider-Man films in general, for that matter (though I still love those). Though I’m still utterly tired of everyone’s endless bitching about what movies are rated and what that will inevitably mean for movies they haven’t even seen yet, I’m still taken aback that they went and made a PG-13 horror flick with Mr. Raimi at the helm. Taken aback, but nonetheless committed to seeing this frakking movie post-haste. I mean it just looks like the master is on form here, and he’s pulling out all the stops. What I love about Raimi is that no matter what he’s doing, you never have to see more than a few seconds of footage for this guy’s love of movies, and the process of making them, to spread to you like syphilis from a stripper. I just get amped every time I see this trailer. Pure anticipation for what looks to be mainlined fun at the cinema. CHECK IT OUT, YO!!!

Just a quick note – I’m on Twitter.

Join up and follow me for even more mundane news! I’m ryanrochnroll on twitter!

Wolverine Trailer Debuts: Blows Shit Up While Doing So

        Well, we’ve waited, we’ve bitched, we’ve moaned, we’ve talked a considerable amount of smack, and generally dogged the necessity of the longest title ever in cinema history (source: the internet), but it’s finally upon us. Wolverine has SNIKTed his way onto the interwebs and he’s brought friends. This is the most mutant packed trailer in recent memory, to varying degrees of success. There’s a lot going on here and much of it is extremely well handled in my opinion. Aside from maybe a few gripes about some of the tonal choices, and the inclusion of characters like Emma Frost, Beak, and (little?!) Storm, I am far more impressed with this than I thought I would be. Most of that really comes from the fact that we’ve got Liev Schreiber jumping in for Sabretooth, which is the best idea ever (as opposed to Will. I. Am jumping in as Colonel Wraith, which is the worst choice ever). Ryan Reynolds as a mask-less Deadpool is kind of a mixed bag, unless they straight up give him cancer in this movie, which will make me super happy (the character, not the actor). Kevin Durand as Blob will likely be hilarious,if ridiculous. But Danny Huston as a younger William Stryker is just excellent.

        I have to say that the most effective stuff is right at the beginning, with the many shots of past wars Logan has fought in, and the glimpse into what is one of the most depressing lives ever in comicdom. Let’s see, murderer before adolescence, family killed by uppity half-kin, wife brutally attacked and murdered by best friend, and then you get to be brainwashed and tortured by the government. I thought BATMAN had it bad. And this is all very key to why this trailer works on the levels that it does. These things are visible, if not actually elaborated upon (it’s a trailer, cut them some slack), and the drama with Logan and Sabretooth looks to be pretty compelling stuff.

        On the action front… I mean come on, did you freaking see Gambit? That is AWESOME. I still think Josh Holloway would have been a better choice, but this Taylor Kitsch kid looks to be able to handle the part (it’s not all that complex). If anything, I’m a little unsure of the need to cram as many characters as possible into the whole Weapon X storyline as they seem to do here, as it kind of lends itself to Logan busting all the kids out of the nursery as some ersatz protective daddy. No one wants to see Wolverine hanging out with a bunch of freaking kids. Kids ruin movies in anything other than small doses, and most of this comes from the fact that I’m really not sure Hollywood writers know all that much about childhood or pre-teens other than what kind of pop-culture they consume. BLARG. Anyway, if a little overblown on some set-pieces, there looks to be enough of the kind of stuff here that drew unsuspecting audiences to the character in the first place, plus some extra mood for points. Besides, if it wasn’t bat-shit crazy with the jumping at the helicopters, and the ’splosions and the oh god it cuts me it wouldn’t be a Comic Book Movie, now would it. Not everything can be as resonant or grounded as The Dark Knight, nor should it be really. That’s Batman’s shtick, and it works well for him in that setting.

 

 

But come on… Will. I. Am as Colonel Wraith? Wraith may be many things, but seventies urban cowboy isn’t one of them. Will could have at least tried to wear a costume, and not his regular everyday shit. Did he film this scene, then go be a hologram for CNN? WTF, man?

 

BTW, Wraith totally is a seventies cowboy in the comics. I just felt some wierd need to pick on Will because he didn’t need costuming for this role.

Any way, GO CANADIANS!!!!

An Open Request to DJ Caruso

Shia LaBOOF, Circa always.

 

 Hi everybody! Remember me?

 

 I went away for a while. Unfortunately, I didn’t see fit to keep updating while one of the cooler movie seasons of all time rolled on by, and instead I devoted far more time than was necessary or advisable watching, listening to, and thinking about Dark Knight. It’s kind of nice that it’s over, because it feels like I can be a film geek again, instead of simply a fucking Batman fanatic.

 So many new and exciting things, that I think by this point all deserve their own posts. Also, I’ll be adding some new features soon (read in like 2 weeks), including an area for my own takes on older movies, which might just auto-archive or something so that the freshest of freshness might take the top spot. I find most of my stuff out the same way everyone else does (actually that’s not always true, but I don’t squeal when people ask me not to), so I’m not really pretending to be an on the ball scoop-getter, but I offer my own take, which people I know seem to enjoy. It’s not for the Benjamin’s. It’s for them (and me). Anywho, on to the actual point, which on my blog can be elusive at times.

 The bastion of all pop culture and sacred knowledge worth having and awesome music oh wait… MTV, had a nice update when I checked them out today about a project which has been a bit of a mixed bag for me as far as enthusiasm levels are concerned, Y: The Last Man. I (like apparently the whole world when I wasn’t looking) am a pretty big fan of this particular funny book. I remember picking it up way back when the first trade came out and just needing more, and not having any. Then I threw a big, three-year-old tantrum, still didn’t get more, then kind of forgot about it until the next issues finally showed up in stores. So one day a few years ago they started talking about making the movie version, since if you make a story with panels and balloons these days, that’s what’s going to happen, by gum. I can’t really decipher in my addled brain which versions of the screenplay and production team actually existed in the real world vs. only in by head, but needless to say, the project bounced around, eventually ending up in the hands of one previously mentioned Mr. Caruso. I know what you’re thinking: Why the hell did they want to let the guy from NYPD Blue and THE BIGGEST BLOCKBUSTER FILM EVER – KISS OF DEATH, helm such an important and interesting story? Well, the answer is that you asked a really fucking stupid question, because I’m obviously not talking about David Caruso, because he sucks.  Jackass. No DJ Caruso is an ACTUAL director, who brought us The Salton Sea, and Taking Lives. He also made a couple of other movies, and I’ll get to those in a minute, because they all have something in common that stinks. Any way, despite never really having been over the moon for any of Caruso’s films, I will admit that I reeeeeeally dug the parts of Salton Sea that I watched, and that he has always seemed an extremely capable, if slightly unfocused director, and I got no axe to grind with the fella… OK, that’s not totally accurate, because if it were, I would not be nearly 600 words into this setup, about to switch gears. Here’s the deal. Caruso is fine, but he’s developing a pattern, and it’s starting to piss me off, especially because it’s possibly about to affect what could be a really awesome film, and turn it into a merely serviceable action vehicle for a douchebag.

 Which brings us right to the heart of the matter. Simply put, DJ Caruso is developing an uncanny ability to put Shia LaBeouf in more movies, and it needs to stop before it gets out of hand. I really, really like Y: The Last Man, and I really, really tried to not jump on the Shia-hate-bandwagon (I’ve stood up for him in conversations about Constantine), but the bottom line is that Shia LaBeouf sucks. He sucks just about as bad as David Caruso, and everyone knows it, and it is NOT ok for him to be in Y. Bottom line. Final answer. Done-sky. And I have no illusions, here. There is simply NO. FUCKING. WAY. that anything that I say here is going to get to DJ Caruso’s desk made of virgin bones and oak trees, much less sway his Spielberg-knowing ass. But if I don’t do something, I’ll forever know that I didn’t… uh, do something. Drop in the bucket. Whatever. Here it is:

A rather unnerving development.

Ok, so here we go. It is no small secret that I really love the movie HULK (2003). I think it is a brilliant, ambitious, and gorgeous film, that played with some advanced poetic and aesthetic themes and ideas to create something simply greater than could normally have been expected from a Hollywood treatment of the source material. Ang Lee is a treasure, and from every conceivable angle of that film, it’s plainly obvious that he took this script that might have been utter shit in another director’s paws, and proceeded to craft a surrealistic, mature, and excessively cerebral take on the character of Bruce Banner, not unlike the way that David Cronnenberg took middling Sci-Fi high-concept pieces and crafted body-shock classics that endure to this very day, despite being despised by many critics at the point of release. The simple fact is that all of the arguments that I’ve ever heard from people trying to convince me that the film was anything but wonderful have fallen into two distinct groups: Those who simply didn’t get the movie they were expecting, and took it out on the wonderful art flick in front of them, and genetically deficient dumbfucks that were pissed of that HULK SMASH didn’t HULK SMASH enough, and all those fags spent too much time talkin’ about their feelin’s and shit. Simply put: if you’re in the second camp, fuck yourself and die in a fire. It’s not the movie’s fault that you’re a repressed, idiotic fuckface with no empathy. If you’re of the other variety, and simply got product that you weren’t expecting, fine. I get that. Maybe this new movie coming out will give you exactly what you always wanted, plus gigantic Liv Tyler lips.

Personally, I have had issues with this upcoming INCREDIBLE HULK movie since inception, most of which stem from the shitty attitude all involved seemed to auspiciously display towards the previous effort of 2003. Ok, I get it. You are making a completely different product. Here’s the rub, though: Just because it’s conveniently easy to differentiate yourself from something with the same name as your product that didn’t sit as well with the public at large (read: largely ignorant fucktools, with a smattering of reasonable dissenters), doesn’t mean you have to shit all over someone else’s slavish effort. Ang Lee poured himself into this film, going so far as to perform all of the motion capture work for the Hulk, and everyone on the cast talks of just how seriously he took the idea. And the fact is, opinion has started to change to some degree with regards to the previous film. I mean, it’s not like we’re talking Batman & Robin here. The A.V. Club published a very decent article not too terribly long ago listing the HULK film as one of several items worthy of a conscious revisit, and they state an extremely compelling case. I digress: The point of this entry is not simply to browbeat, but to connect the dots. I spoke earlier of the faction of folks who simply didn’t get quite the movie they were expecting the first time around, and also about the genetic detritus unsatisfied with the level of SMASH proportional to talking the first time around, and both camps’ requirement for a different take more in line with their respective tastes. Fact is: regardless of where you fall on that particular divide, the studios were listening. And since Marvel took over development of their own properties, it’s been universally understood that at this critical stage in their infancy, their properties had better damn well kill if they hope to continue the trend. Iron Man has come and continues to rule on sheer grit and awesomeness. IM was a resounding success on all levels, and I’m immensely happy that it has found a foothold in the imagination of the populace at large. This is a win for geeks everywhere, and brings us one step closer to seeing all of our favorite titles brought to the screen with the panache that they deserve (maybe a Daredevil movie that doesn’t blow goats? HE’S MARVEL’S FUCKING BATMAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD). But the fact is no matter how insulted I’ve felt over the handling of this new HULK movie, in order for Marvel to continue to be able to develop their own properties in such an awesome way, this movie has to fucking kill like Iron Man. Which brings me to this delicate precipice upon which I sit. While taking issue with nearly everything about this movie separate from the cast (Like I’m not going to see Tim Roth, William Hurt, and to a lesser extent, because of snarkiness, Ed Norton), I know that this movie has to do gangbusters so I can see future Marvel installments. Simply put, I have to watch this so I can cast my monetary vote (unless I can get in for free). All the while I’m thinking these things, it takes every ounce of my being not to scream to the people excited about this that it was originally written by the WONDERFUL SCRIBE Zak Penn. If you like Fantastic Four movies and X-Men 3, you should probably thank this man… Then FUCKING KILL YOURSELF. Sure, Ed Norton heavily rewrote the thing, but he’s about a cunt hair away from a beating after the shitstorm of The Illusionist (Fuck that, The Prestige owned it). And now that the movie is almost here, the early reviews have started. 

My one point and question is this: After reading this review, clearly written by one of the people in the second camp I described earlier, I have to wonder and ask just where the line between the two camps really is. If you simply didn’t like the first movie (which I found to be heavily reminiscent of the Bruce Jones run of the book tonally), where do you draw your own line with regard to just how brainless a movie should be for the sake of “fun summertime cinema”? Reading this review has helped to quash some of the secret, secret hope that I held for this film to overcome it’s own (read: Ed Norton’s) sense of ego and crass superiorty, and deliver a fun, clever movie that doesn’t dump on something so unable to defend itself that Ang Lee APOLOGIZED for it (which I would incredulously rant about, should we ever meet). But you know, I could be wrong, it could be that the reviewer is simply an assclown, and the movie is great. I’m willing to admit that I was wrong about something that I initially wouldn’t budge on.

How about the rest of you?