Funniest thing I’ve seen all month

I was looking around at The Nerdist when I saw the funniest goddamn thing I’ve seen in ages. If there were any justice in the world, we could pull these two actors back in, de-age them, and have this scene play out exactly like this. Actually, you could probably just get Doc Brown to rerecord some dialogue, do a little Blade Runner with the editing him back in, and just use one of the MANY shots of Marty reacting to stuff. In fact, if I were smart at all, I’d have already done this. I love that this takes one of the most glaring things about a film I love and just tears it a new asshole. Perfect.

JCVD – Review

Well, I finally got to see JCVD, and the verdict is that it’s a resounding success.

What’s Destroying my Brains – Frisky Dingo

Mention those proofs again and just see what happens Valerie!

Well, I’ve been totally destroyed. My brain has ceased function due to the fact that if it were a computer, FRISKY DINGO would have been a magnet playfully waved closely in it’s direction.

Just a quick note – I’m on Twitter.

Join up and follow me for even more mundane news! I’m ryanrochnroll on twitter!

Prince of Darkness – the not quite review

Only the hottest ladies make it to this blog.

So over the course of the last few days, I had a little free time in which to basically watch whatever I wanted. Blockbuster didn’t have most of that, and some of it is illegal in this state (I keed, I keed), but they did have John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness, which was probably number one on my list at that particular instant. For the uninitiated, Prince of Darkness would be the second film in what Carpenter has referred to as his “Apocalypse Trilogy”. And though I never saw either Apocalypse, or even any x-men at all in any of the three films, I think he meant that as an allusion to the word they created in homage to the mutant menace, as the themes of growing strife and the nearing of the end percolate throughout all of the films in a steadily building, and ominously unstoppable fashion. Further info for those unfamiliar are the titles of the films, which start with The Thing, continue into Prince of Darkness, and fittingly (or not) end with In The Mouth of Madness. The three films all tend to share a kind of Lovecraftian dread and horror at the malevolent unknown, and they are better pictures for the ideas that Carpenter tried to bring in regarding class, human nature, trust, and yes, the end of the human illusion.

Watching the Watchmen

Alan Moore gonna break it off in ya ass, heard?

So, it’s become obvious to anyone who actually checks in over here at this site that I’ve gone pretty much tits-up with regards to regular updates. For this, I make no excuses. All my favorite sites that have pulled the same crap have listed their litany of reasons why it’s hard to update on a regular basis for this reason or that. Reasons why it’s hard to actually do what you set out to do and type some paragraphs up about stuff that you supposedly get moist over and hit a friggin’ spellcheck once in a while. I’m not going to make any excuses. To use a term I recently almost wore out on my letter to DJ Caruso, I have been a douche, and for the 1/4th of a person who still actually checks this site: my deepest, least moisturizing apologies. I won’t do it again. I have lots of ground to cover, and most of it is happening this weekend. Let’s get to the show.

The reason I even left that first paragraph in is because it highlights my utter shame and bewilderment over how utterly absent all developments regarding Watchmen were in the months past. And for a project and campaign so utterly up my alley to have been so well executed, but relegated to not even a mention is kind of ridiculous, and a little puzzling to at least myself. I have to play the subconscious card here and blame my own apprehensions about the adaptation of this material. It’s a feeling that I’m sure has plagued anyone who is a fan of the source material, especially anyone with any working knowledge of film or even the process of adaptation from one medium to another. It’s a brutal, unkind process and it doesn’t really have a lot of room for kindness or blind hope if you hope to create a product that is successful in a creative, or commercial sense. Look, obviously, it’s not easy. If it were, you wouldn’t see ten Ghost Riders and Uwe Boll movies for every Spider-Man or Dark Knight. And the prospect of taking a source as highly regarded and inherently untranslatable as Watchmen and adapting it is daunting enough that versions have been in the works for over a decade. The problem I tend to come across myself is that I am equally as much of a film enthusiast as I am for any other medium, if not more. So when I sit in the theatre watching an adaptation of anything, my first impulse is to judge how something works as a film, then worry about the adaptive prowess of those involved as a close second. So I think that aside from simply being distracted by more immediate things around me, there was a level of avoidance on my part to look very hard into the events surrounding the development of Watchmen, or at least to jot my thoughts down on it. But the fact is that an incredibly well executed marketing campaign has been a vital part of that development, and I would say between the online character journals, vintage in-universe news reports, clips, and 80s style viral video game, it’s clear from face value that the creators and especially Zack Snyder really get the property on a real, tangible level. And I don’t think it really and fully hit me that OH MY GOD THERE’S A WATCHMEN MOVIE until I recently purchased my tickets to an early midnight showing of this two and a half hour possible disaster/masterpiece. 

Summing it up: Yes, I have my tickets for a March 5th midnight showing at the beautiful Alamo Drafthouse South Lamar location. I’ll be there, towing my unfortunate (and likely sleepy) wife along with me to witness the event, and then, yes, review it. On my never-was-a-scout’s honor, it will be done. It’s a weird concept for me to be this stoked, but still totally unhyped. I’m hoping this will be a nice way to judge as critically as possible, and I think that a big reason for that is that I’m of the opinion that you don’t need to be so slavish to the source that you lose your ability to create a vision that is uniquely your own. In fact at some points, after I had been reviewing the output for this film and hearing key statements about using the book as a story board and what not, I almost began to think that might be the worst way to approach it, since there are beats and moments that are totally and completely unique to the original medium on this one, and it would be a travesty to pass off a hamfisted fan-vid as an honest to God film version of such a great work. TOO much devotion to source gives you awful junk like BATMAN: DEAD END which, I’m sorry, is crap. Yes, I know, it was made  on a nothing budget by devoted fans. Look, that doesn’t make something not suck, no matter how you slice it. I remember people saying that Boner kid was the best Joker ever to grace a screen. I wanted to wretch! I digress. Yes I’m going. I’ll report back on it. Hope some of you lovely folks come back here to check it out. PEACE!

 

Oh, what the hell, HAVE A LOOK AT THE AWESOME NEW PRODUCTION VIDEOS WITH CAST AND CREW!!!! Here’s a link to them on GeekTyrant. They’re pretty cool, and they twitter all day, so sign up!

Wolverine Trailer Debuts: Blows Shit Up While Doing So

        Well, we’ve waited, we’ve bitched, we’ve moaned, we’ve talked a considerable amount of smack, and generally dogged the necessity of the longest title ever in cinema history (source: the internet), but it’s finally upon us. Wolverine has SNIKTed his way onto the interwebs and he’s brought friends. This is the most mutant packed trailer in recent memory, to varying degrees of success. There’s a lot going on here and much of it is extremely well handled in my opinion. Aside from maybe a few gripes about some of the tonal choices, and the inclusion of characters like Emma Frost, Beak, and (little?!) Storm, I am far more impressed with this than I thought I would be. Most of that really comes from the fact that we’ve got Liev Schreiber jumping in for Sabretooth, which is the best idea ever (as opposed to Will. I. Am jumping in as Colonel Wraith, which is the worst choice ever). Ryan Reynolds as a mask-less Deadpool is kind of a mixed bag, unless they straight up give him cancer in this movie, which will make me super happy (the character, not the actor). Kevin Durand as Blob will likely be hilarious,if ridiculous. But Danny Huston as a younger William Stryker is just excellent.

        I have to say that the most effective stuff is right at the beginning, with the many shots of past wars Logan has fought in, and the glimpse into what is one of the most depressing lives ever in comicdom. Let’s see, murderer before adolescence, family killed by uppity half-kin, wife brutally attacked and murdered by best friend, and then you get to be brainwashed and tortured by the government. I thought BATMAN had it bad. And this is all very key to why this trailer works on the levels that it does. These things are visible, if not actually elaborated upon (it’s a trailer, cut them some slack), and the drama with Logan and Sabretooth looks to be pretty compelling stuff.

        On the action front… I mean come on, did you freaking see Gambit? That is AWESOME. I still think Josh Holloway would have been a better choice, but this Taylor Kitsch kid looks to be able to handle the part (it’s not all that complex). If anything, I’m a little unsure of the need to cram as many characters as possible into the whole Weapon X storyline as they seem to do here, as it kind of lends itself to Logan busting all the kids out of the nursery as some ersatz protective daddy. No one wants to see Wolverine hanging out with a bunch of freaking kids. Kids ruin movies in anything other than small doses, and most of this comes from the fact that I’m really not sure Hollywood writers know all that much about childhood or pre-teens other than what kind of pop-culture they consume. BLARG. Anyway, if a little overblown on some set-pieces, there looks to be enough of the kind of stuff here that drew unsuspecting audiences to the character in the first place, plus some extra mood for points. Besides, if it wasn’t bat-shit crazy with the jumping at the helicopters, and the ’splosions and the oh god it cuts me it wouldn’t be a Comic Book Movie, now would it. Not everything can be as resonant or grounded as The Dark Knight, nor should it be really. That’s Batman’s shtick, and it works well for him in that setting.

 

 

But come on… Will. I. Am as Colonel Wraith? Wraith may be many things, but seventies urban cowboy isn’t one of them. Will could have at least tried to wear a costume, and not his regular everyday shit. Did he film this scene, then go be a hologram for CNN? WTF, man?

 

BTW, Wraith totally is a seventies cowboy in the comics. I just felt some wierd need to pick on Will because he didn’t need costuming for this role.

Any way, GO CANADIANS!!!!

An Open Request to DJ Caruso

Shia LaBOOF, Circa always.

 

 Hi everybody! Remember me?

 

 I went away for a while. Unfortunately, I didn’t see fit to keep updating while one of the cooler movie seasons of all time rolled on by, and instead I devoted far more time than was necessary or advisable watching, listening to, and thinking about Dark Knight. It’s kind of nice that it’s over, because it feels like I can be a film geek again, instead of simply a fucking Batman fanatic.

 So many new and exciting things, that I think by this point all deserve their own posts. Also, I’ll be adding some new features soon (read in like 2 weeks), including an area for my own takes on older movies, which might just auto-archive or something so that the freshest of freshness might take the top spot. I find most of my stuff out the same way everyone else does (actually that’s not always true, but I don’t squeal when people ask me not to), so I’m not really pretending to be an on the ball scoop-getter, but I offer my own take, which people I know seem to enjoy. It’s not for the Benjamin’s. It’s for them (and me). Anywho, on to the actual point, which on my blog can be elusive at times.

 The bastion of all pop culture and sacred knowledge worth having and awesome music oh wait… MTV, had a nice update when I checked them out today about a project which has been a bit of a mixed bag for me as far as enthusiasm levels are concerned, Y: The Last Man. I (like apparently the whole world when I wasn’t looking) am a pretty big fan of this particular funny book. I remember picking it up way back when the first trade came out and just needing more, and not having any. Then I threw a big, three-year-old tantrum, still didn’t get more, then kind of forgot about it until the next issues finally showed up in stores. So one day a few years ago they started talking about making the movie version, since if you make a story with panels and balloons these days, that’s what’s going to happen, by gum. I can’t really decipher in my addled brain which versions of the screenplay and production team actually existed in the real world vs. only in by head, but needless to say, the project bounced around, eventually ending up in the hands of one previously mentioned Mr. Caruso. I know what you’re thinking: Why the hell did they want to let the guy from NYPD Blue and THE BIGGEST BLOCKBUSTER FILM EVER – KISS OF DEATH, helm such an important and interesting story? Well, the answer is that you asked a really fucking stupid question, because I’m obviously not talking about David Caruso, because he sucks.  Jackass. No DJ Caruso is an ACTUAL director, who brought us The Salton Sea, and Taking Lives. He also made a couple of other movies, and I’ll get to those in a minute, because they all have something in common that stinks. Any way, despite never really having been over the moon for any of Caruso’s films, I will admit that I reeeeeeally dug the parts of Salton Sea that I watched, and that he has always seemed an extremely capable, if slightly unfocused director, and I got no axe to grind with the fella… OK, that’s not totally accurate, because if it were, I would not be nearly 600 words into this setup, about to switch gears. Here’s the deal. Caruso is fine, but he’s developing a pattern, and it’s starting to piss me off, especially because it’s possibly about to affect what could be a really awesome film, and turn it into a merely serviceable action vehicle for a douchebag.

 Which brings us right to the heart of the matter. Simply put, DJ Caruso is developing an uncanny ability to put Shia LaBeouf in more movies, and it needs to stop before it gets out of hand. I really, really like Y: The Last Man, and I really, really tried to not jump on the Shia-hate-bandwagon (I’ve stood up for him in conversations about Constantine), but the bottom line is that Shia LaBeouf sucks. He sucks just about as bad as David Caruso, and everyone knows it, and it is NOT ok for him to be in Y. Bottom line. Final answer. Done-sky. And I have no illusions, here. There is simply NO. FUCKING. WAY. that anything that I say here is going to get to DJ Caruso’s desk made of virgin bones and oak trees, much less sway his Spielberg-knowing ass. But if I don’t do something, I’ll forever know that I didn’t… uh, do something. Drop in the bucket. Whatever. Here it is:

The Dark Knight – Review

            Respect for the source material.

            This is a term that gets passed around a lot when people are talking about the alarming amount of comic book movies these days (well, more so comics than other adaptations). A term with a lot of merit that I think has been passed around so many times that the meaning has become a bit muddled, as will happen with current buzzwords. But I’m not here to talk about that. Not yet, anyway. I’m here to talk about The Dark Knight, which I was lucky enough to see at a special trade screening on Thursday. It has come to pass that every friend I have now hates the shit out of me.

            “Now where do we begin?” I suppose the best place to start is with the simple statement that this film is a force of nature. And most importantly of all: this work is something that I can call a great film without a single reservation or excuse. Every single aspect of this movie was firing on all cylinders for each of the 152 minutes of the screening, and this is owed in three parts to 1) the relationship between director Chris Nolan and cinematographer Wally Pfister 2) the vise-tight scripting of Jonah and Chris Nolan, and 3) the joining of both one and two with one of the most solid ensemble casts in recent years. No one is under used, and everyone has something to do here. Every single person in this movie is there for a reason, and nails every beat they are given. With this script and the freedom to own their parts in the story, it becomes apparent that these are not actors in roles. These are people, living their lives, making difficult choices, enjoying victories, and facing the repercussions of their mistakes in a city that is as much a character as Wayne or Dent or Joker. Despite the very personal nature of the plot, the story takes place on several different scales, embracing at many points the entire citizenry of Gotham. This is a living, breathing organism of a city, and the internal debate within each of the characters serves as a microcosm of the way that the city itself can change, for good or bad, possibly on the flip of a coin (Oh yes, it’s there, and by God they made it work). What works so well is that Christopher Nolan had the vision to take not only the source material and characters seriously, but the audience seriously as well. This IS an epic crime drama, and the reason I compare Nolan to people like Sydney Lumet is because I see this kind of 70s sensibility about the way he creates his films and populates them with characters that I get to know, who refuse to let me take my eyes off them.

            By choosing the cast that he did and letting them run with it, Nolan and Pfister are free to sit back and capture the pure electricity that occurs between these characters, in fully realized, beautiful frames. There are shots in this movie that took my breath away. Bale, crouching on the corner of a Hong Kong skyscraper at dusk with the sunset over the city backlighting him in this purple and orange glow, with background and foreground in perfect frame. It lasts all of a second. I know that some have griped in the past about the fight editing and camera work during the action scenes of Batman Begins, and though I disagree with them and very much like the effect they were going for, I will say that Nolan took a different approach this time. While still incorporating that premise that sometimes Batman can move faster than you can see (there is a part where he takes 4 or 5 guys out at the same time, a rope is involved, and they never see it coming), I loved how you get that premise while seeing nearly every brutal attack the Batman makes (and he takes on rooms full of people). It perfectly illustrates just how effective and confident Wayne has become since the first film. This simply IS Batman, detective work and all. And it’s not just Bale that has completely vanished into the character…

            Joker. My God in heaven what Heath Ledger unleashed in that character is one of the most terrifying and complete pieces of acting work I have ever seen.  When you’ve read that “he’s the shark in Jaws” comment from Nolan, I guess Spielberg must have forgotten to film the part in Jaws where when the shark chases you back onto land, he has another set of teeth in the sand under your ass ready to devour you from what you assumed was safety… You dumbass. Ledger does not exist on this screen. Somehow, he tapped into the elemental lifeblood of decades of continuities and distilled the essence of the Batman’s most dangerous adversary. And while the Joker will tell you that he’s not the sort of man to have a plan, make no mistake: He is in competition for the soul of Gotham. A competition that relies heavily upon… No. I refuse to spoil even a tiny bit of Ledger’s work, because no one should do themselves the disservice of not seeing this fresh. I will say that if an audience full of professionals reacts vocally during a magic trick, or one of the many little stories Joker tells, it’s going to be an atom bomb in an audience who isn’t trying to write objectively in notepads.

            Michael Caine is brilliant as always, but has more to do and has his own wonderful story. Morgan Freeman is not just waiting for the check this time out, and has a great arc in his relationship with Wayne (as well as one of my favorite lines in the film, with a S.O.B. accountant). And Gary Oldman is given a big fat steak of a part to sink his teeth into, as it’s correctly stated in interviews that the movie hinges on the relationship between Batman, Gordon, and Dent. And let me tell you that Aaron Eckhart has done some of his very best work to date here.  Two-Face is my favorite Bat-Villain, as I always loved the personal nature of the origin put forth in the story The Long Halloween. He is heartbreakingly brought to life in this story, and chillingly portrayed. There is a moment from the trailers where Eckhart screams “no!” while facedown in an expanding puddle. When you see who he is actually talking to, and the way that his face just falls in realization, and what that “no” means… Well, this is why it all works so well. Having essentially spoiled myself with all of the random script pages and trailers and TV spots released up to this point, I thought I had a pretty good handle on how this was all going to play out, and thought that I would probably miss some of the magic of the surprises of the film, thinking it would be great as expected, but not amazing. No. There is no way to be prepared for the lengths to which the film goes. It feels good to be respected as an audience member again.  It feels good to have a director deliver a poignant, powerful character drama that doesn’t pull punches, and refuses to talk down to you. As much as I loved Batman Begins, when I left this theater that film felt more like the prologue to the story that this entire team always felt had to be told. It doesn’t feel like the original is less of a film or anything, just that it is a smaller piece of this story, which while stunningly, but tastefully leaving a door open for a new story that I am ravenous for, satisfies to the point that if I never get another one, I can rest knowing that I saw the great Batman story realized for the screen. So complete is this vision. True to the source material? If by that you mean is it true to the letter to the characters I have loved for years, then I say yes. Many people simply couldn’t get on board with the fact that Batman doesn’t wear grey spandex, and Joker doesn’t look like Jude Law bleached albino. Well that would be true to the source material too. In the same way that Mortal Kombat: Annihilation was. If that’s all you care about, your cup of tea awaits you in that horrible movie. When I say this is the best film I have seen all year, know that I am not cracking a smile or making excuses because the excitement my super-duper-secret-early-studio-decoder-ring-screening experience has clouded my judgment. When I tell you that Joker is better executed in 152 minutes of terror, joy, and guilty/dirty laughs than he has been for years in the comics, I’m telling you the truth. Clean slate is what I demanded of myself walking in. Do not miss this.

Why I will not pay to see The Incredible Hulk

Posted by Deekgeek:

Okay listen. I understand what Marvel is trying to do here. Recreating its universe on the silver screen is at the very least, a brilliant marketing move. So I understand the need for this movie to be successful. and regardless of how horrible a Marvel film that started out being written by talentless hack Zak Penn and wannabe fanboy (and pretentious SOB) Ed Norton could potentially be, The Incredible Hulk will make a crapload of money at the box office this summer because people are going to see it no matter what. And as we’ve seen, it’s been doing well. And while I will hold my final judgement until I do actually see this movie, I would just like to put this out there: Marvel is just starting out this universe recreation project and it will take some time and there will be some bumps in the road. As fans, I don’t think Marvel should be praised and applauded for every POS it puts out simply because people are too afraid to say “hey marvel, that sucks.” One flop will not put a wrench in all of Marvel’s future plans. And yes, from what I’ve seen, heard and read, this movie is critically, a FLOP. Comic books are trendy now, and I hate to say that, but that’s all Marvel needs to rake in the dough to continue to produce more and more and more and more. The truth is, no matter how crappy of a movie they make,  mindless movie goers will go and see these films if only for the promise of cars being squashed and buildings being broken. But if we start overrating and faking enthusiasm for movies that had no business being remade in the first place, we’re setting Marvel and ourselves up for failure. Very simply put, raving about The Incredible Hulk will make Marvel put much less thought into their future projects as they’ll see tubfulls of money coming in week after week simply because people went and saw a mentally one dimensional flick who’s goal seems to be to get 14 year olds (or people who act like them) to say “whoa! cool special effects man!” or “wow did you see that?” As fans, we need to demand more from Marvel, because they can certainly give it to us. but just because we’re all still coming off the ultra fun summer high that was Iron Man, doesn’t mean we should be allowing Ed Norton et al to ride on it’s coattails. So, here’s what I’m going to do. I am going to sneak into a showing of The Incredible Hulk just so that the next time I bitch about it, I’ll have actual points to back my views up. Sure, I’ll pay for something….anything really. I’d rather Adam Sandler got my hard earned 7 bucks because atleast when his movie sucks, he doesn’t whine away in interviews about how it only sucked because the studios didn’t let him do things HIS way. Norton has lost all good will with me because of the classless way he’s dealt with this entire situation from the beginning. Like you’ve said Ryan, comic books are this country’s mythology-these stories and characters are the gods and goddesses of the Western world and Marvel really needs to take a  much longer think the next time it decides to just clumsily hand over a project to some pompous asshole who only wants to fulfil his own preteen fantasy of playing a comic book superhero. 

 

More to come.